


The Way It Is

by Foxinstrazt



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24891829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foxinstrazt/pseuds/Foxinstrazt
Summary: Ellie wishes things were different, more so than ever.But they ain't.Spoilers for Part II, post-canon epilogue picking right up after the game ends, with Ellie trying to pick up the pieces she left behind in Jackson.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 42
Kudos: 427





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is part something I needed and part something I wanted, this game was nothing short of fantastic and the note it left off was more than perfect for it. But not for me, I needed to see something after, to imagine a way for Ellie to crawl back to some sort of normalcy. I considered briefly putting this in the same canon as my other Last of Us fic, but I just can't. Might co-op some characters from that though, if this continues on to be more than just a epilogue for me.
> 
> Brief disclaimer: I do not care if you disliked the game, if you dislike the creators, or what have you. I loved the game, I think NaughtyDog is awesome, I am an absolute fangirl! This ain't for you, it's for me. To help me process my own grief after finishing the game, the grief of finishing a great story and feeling the void, and to help inspire me to continue writing. I don't know where this is headed apart from a few vague ideas of how some reunions will go. There may be some literal conflict later, and I will adjust tags accordingly if I do so. As always I would love to hear your thoughts on it, I hope this helps someone else like me who is feeling a little lost after the ending, even if they enjoyed it, like I did.
> 
> Slightly more awkward issue: If you're wondering why I haven't updated my other story in a year and a half, I'm sorry. I have no grand excuse I just lost interest, burned out, got writers block, however you want to say it. I will get back to it when inspiration strikes again and it really hasn't. I'm disappointed in me, too, I promise.
> 
> With all of that out of the way, please enjoy!
> 
> -Fox

* * *

_**The Way It Is** _ **_-_ Chapter 1**

* * *

_“I don’t know what happened.”_

Ellie slipped over the guard rail of the ruined highway, landing on the overgrown concrete below with a sigh as she looked out towards the walls of Jackson. The air was still heavy with the scent of nature blooming in spring, and the sun was just beginning to dip behind the mountains as the lights of the watchtowers were coming on.

She lifted her hand, her right hand, to wave at the guards along the wall as she neared. One of them, one of the younger boys, she heard shout out her name with an appropriate ‘holy shit’ to accompany it. The gate began to open as she drew near, and although she returned the happy greetings with a subdued version of her own, she immediately followed it with a question.

Where’s Maria?

_“I had her, I was so close.”_

Jackson hadn’t changed much since she had last seen it, many of the same old faces and even some new ones greeted her with varying levels of excitement or recognition as she walked through the streets, most of them falling when they noticed her left hand. 

No one asked about it.

_“I couldn’t do it.”_

Stepping into the Tipsy Bison brought to mind that day so long ago, Seth apologizing to her, giving the bigot sandwiches to Jesse. The old man behind the bar regarded her with surprise, and while the general din of the chatter continued, a lot of people looked her way. It felt like everyone was watching her as she made her way to the back, pushing open the door.

* * *

“Ellie?!” The disbelief in Maria’s voice was coated in relief, and she found herself pulled into a tight hug, one that she couldn’t stop herself from returning. It was only when she removed herself from the embrace and the older woman did a look over her that her missing fingers, and her other various new scars, were noticed. “Oh my god, Ellie.. What happened?”

She let out a long sigh, looking down and flexing her fingers. It still hurt, and sometimes it even felt like she still had all four there. Ellie didn’t answer right away, instead reaching up to pull her backpack, still heavy with the weapons and supplies she had scavenged on the way to and back from California, off of her shoulders. Setting it down beside the door frame, she turned and joined Maria on the long couch.

There was a pile of reports, announcements, and other such things about the town on the coffee table beside a half-eaten plate of meat and potatoes. She’d interrupted Maria’s dinner and work, not exactly unsurprising at this hour. 

“..I don’t know what happened.” She picked at her nails absently as she leaned forward, looking towards the ground. “I found her, the tip that Tommy had was right. I had her, I was so close.” Her hands trembled as she risked a glance at Maria, who reached over and set a hand comfortingly on the back of her shoulder. “It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.”

“There was this group that captured stragglers and used them..” Ellie shook her head. “As slaves or something, I dunno. They had Abby for two months before I got there, she was barely alive. I cut her down from this post they were leaving her to die on, and she cut the boy she was with down. We walked to the shore and.. I-I couldn’t just let her.. I had to..” She forced down a sob, instead letting it catch in her throat as tears burned at the corners of her eyes.

“He wasn’t much older than I was when I met Joel, Maria, but she wouldn’t fight. She had to fight, so I threatened him to make her.” Now she couldn’t bring herself to look over at the older woman, she was sure there was no sympathy to be found there. “But when I had her down in the water, I..” Ellie forced herself to look up, forced herself to speak. “I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it anymore.”

“So she’s..?”

“I told her to take him and go.”

* * *

Silence hung heavy over the room as she sniffled quietly, reaching up to rub the back of her hand against her cheeks and nose to dry them. She had felt monstrous in that moment, and so felt the same talking about it. Her hands around Abby’s throat, the blood pumping through her veins, it had suddenly just felt so needless. 

It wouldn’t bring Joel back.

It wouldn’t give her the time she had wanted to try and forgive him.

It wouldn’t give her back the time she had spent mad at him.

It didn’t take away the nightmares, the flashes she saw.

It had taken away other things though, things she should have held onto more than obsession. Dina, J.J., that song Joel used to play for her.

Ellie flexed her fingers. It still hurt, and sometimes even the pieces that weren’t there anymore hurt.

But Maria’s hand never left her shoulder, it just gently rubbed her back in small circles. There was a few loud breaths from the older woman, but none of the anger she had feared. None of the accusations that she had thrown away something good and it had all just been for nothing in the end.

“I know it doesn’t fix things.. ‘Cause things aren’t ever that easy.” Maria spoke slowly, drawing her gaze over until she could see the woman’s small smile. “But for what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing for you.”

Ellie let herself lean into the hug that came her way, tears running down her cheeks and leaving slight stains through the dirt that had clung to them. She hadn’t cried since the beach in Santa Barbara, since she had seen what she had become in her rush to silence the demons that haunted her.

She couldn’t even really cry now. 

There were tears, sniffles, sure.

Nothing like the sobs that she felt wanted to be let out. 

Best to just not acknowledge it.

She pulled away, wiping the sleeves of her jacket against her cheeks as she moved away from Maria some, busying herself with staring at the chipped edges of the table. “Dina and J.J., they’re, um..”

“They’re here, been staying with Jesse's parents. She’s gonna hear about you coming back pretty quickly.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you looking to fix that mess?” 

She could practically feel Maria’s stare boring into her. “Is.. Is Tommy around?”

With a sardonic chuckle, the older woman shook her head. “He’s uh, he’s been down at the dam for the last week.”

From the tone Maria had, Ellie couldn’t pinpoint exactly how their relationship had fared since she had been gone. “And are you two..?”

“We’re working on it.” 

“Oh.”

“It isn’t your fault, Ellie.”

“No, I know, I just..” She sighed bitterly. “I don’t want to make it worse.”

Maria laughed at that, a genuine laugh, finally turning to tidy the papers that had been thrown aside when Ellie entered. “I won’t lie, we were in a pretty rough place when I learned what he did.” The woman looked over to her. “And by no means am I okay with you leaving, but.. We were in a rough place before that too, and we’re working on it.”

“Should I tell him?”

“About Abby?” Maria leaned back, letting out a sigh. “I would. He loves you, he’ll understand.”

“I made him a promise, I didn’t keep it.” She slouched over, resting her forearms on her knees as she pretended to study the floor. “I couldn’t keep it.”

“Well, if he is an ass, I am sure he will come around.” Ellie glanced over to find Maria with a small smile on her lips. “You know better than most that a Miller boy can be a stubborn jackass about something. Just give him time to simmer on it.”

Unable to help the twitching that brought her own lips to a ghost of a smile, she took a moment to nod before standing up. “I, uh, I’ll get outta your hair.”

“You going to check on Dina and J.J.?” 

“I think so.” Ellie paused in front of her backpack, her right hand rubbing the side of her left palm slowly as she thought. “She should know I’m back from me telling her.” With that, she reached down to pick up her pack, slinging it over one shoulder.

There was a noise of approval from behind her as Maria followed her to the door. The woman stopped though, instead pulling her into another tight hug, awkwardly holding the strap of her backpack tight and returning the embrace with her other arm. “I’m really glad you’re back, Ellie. I’ll have someone drop by your old place and get it unlocked for you.”

She offered a weak attempt at a smile. “Thanks, Maria.”

With that, she stepped back out into the Tipsy Bison, the chatter still loud as ever and the eyes still wandering over to focus on her.

Ellie flexed her fingers. It still hurt, and she felt the heavy absence of the missing two.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**_The Way It Is_ \- Chapter 2**

* * *

Four years of living in Jackson meant she could largely zone out while walking, only acknowledging the various greetings from those who recognized her with quiet words and curt nods. There was a wariness to a lot of the stares that came her way, or at least, it felt like wariness to her. The subtle way their eyes narrowed and looked over her torn, dirty clothes and the superficial cuts and bruises she'd got a few days back trying to slip through what had been a police station before a runner sent her crashing through a window.

Those close enough did double takes when they looked at the hand holding her backpack strap. Ellie clenched her fingers when they did. There was a dull ache at the end of the two stubs.

The soft notes of a banjo being plucked as she turned the corner drew her gaze, to the old man rocking in his chair and giving her a warm nod. His dog padded over excitedly, the black fur of the old pup's muzzle streaked with grey as she reached down and gently scratched behind his ears before continuing on.

Life had just gone on in Jackson, without her.

Without Jesse.

Without Joel.

Everything was the same, except the way most looked at her. She had known that there were stories of what she did in Seattle before she had ever moved out to the farmhouse with Dina, she knew there were whispers among the gossips of the town. Now that she had left again, Dina had returned with JJ.. Even if Dina hadn't said a word, there would have been stories.

Ellie couldn't decide if she wanted to know what they said. She probably seemed like a monster to them, and that felt deserved.

She sighed, shaking her head as she turned down a smaller street and finally came to the wide porch of her destination. She slid her backpack off and set it down beside the door frame, and then rapped her knuckles against it three times.

Ellie's heart raced. Not in a way it had in a long time, not in the thundering of primal fear but with the anxiety of seeing her again. What could she even begin to say?

Sorry just seemed to fall short.

But it wasn't Dina who answered, pulling open the door and letting light spill through the screen, but Jesse's mom. "Ellie?!"

She gave a weak smile and an awkward wave with her right hand, the remaining fingers of her left hand hanging on the hem of a back pocket to hide the hand from view. She hadn't wanted to lead with that. "Hi, June."

The older woman beamed at her, pushing open the screen door before yelling back inside. "Robin! Ellie is back!"

A few hurried steps echoed on wooden floors and announced the tall man before Ellie saw him round a corner and walk towards the open door, a wide smile on his lips as he approached. "Ellie, it's a relief to see you again, when did you get back?"

But something tore her attention away, and she only gave him a short and distracted answer of 'just a bit ago' as she stared at the young boy in Robin's arms. He had grown in the last few months, noticeably so, and while he still looked every bit his dad, she could see so much of his mom in that nose of his. JJ's hands immediately reached out to her, fingers gripping the air. "Mama!"

Her heart was frozen as a strangled attempt to sob ripped through her chest, and for the first time in a while, a genuine grin reached her lips. She reached out to him, letting his tiny fingers close about her right index finger, but Robin wasn't content with just that. Hiding her injury was forgotten as she soon found herself holding JJ, his little arms hanging onto her as she hugged him tightly. "Oh, I missed you too, potato."

He babbled in her ear as she looked at his grandparents, standing side by side and smiling at them. She couldn't help her own smile, the warmth she felt inside banishing away the aches that littered her body for this moment. "Dina told us what happened.. Everyone missed you, but him most of all."

Guilt was like an itch as June spoke, worming it's way through comfort to dig at her core. To eat at fleeting happiness like a glutton. "Is.. Is she here?"

Robin frowned a bit, and June's smile turned more sad than it had been, before they both shook their heads. "She's at the old workshop, spends a lot of time there."

Looking over JJ's sweet and pudgy smile and giving another grin of her own to him before she handed him back to Robin, she gave a slow nod. "I.. Don't know if I'll be able to come by to see him, so thank you."

He reached out to her again, and she couldn't bear to not do the same, her eyes wet as she let him grip her fingers. She didn't miss the look Jesse's parents shared, and she took a breath to steady herself. Robin bounced the boy a few times, bringing forth happy giggles from JJ before he spoke. "You're always welcome to, Ellie. I'm sure you'll get it sorted."

She finally stepped away from happy child, reaching down to pull up her pack. It felt even heavier now, as if guilt has sapped her strength. She'd missed so much, even his first real words.

Ellie turned away, taking in a sharp breath to cut off the new wave of emotion inside her, and stepped down the well lit porch into the dark streets.

* * *

Eugene's 'workshop' was more or less just a shack on the edge of town, Ellie was pretty sure it had been a storage shed of some kind before he came to Jackson. She hadn't been there many times, only now and then to say a quick goodnight to Joel, who would be several beers and stories in with both Tommy and the old man. She smirked at the memory that came to mind.

A few beers, some weed, and her knock had set Joel coughing and scrambling to look as though he hadn't just been caught red handed. She had teased him for weeks after, back when she had thought she could live with accepting that she didn't know the truth.

Her lips fell into a frown.

She shook her head and tried to focus.

Ellie flexed her fingers. Why did pieces of her that weren't there anymore ache constantly?

She blinked, staring at the workshop door and wondering what the hell had happened to her idea to think ahead this time, to come up with something to say, anything that might mend the bridge that she had burned. As it had every day on the long trek back from Santa Barbara, nothing came to mind.

Sorry just didn't seem to cut it.

She knocked on the door twice before opening it, stepping inside.

There was no happy chatter reminiscing of better days, no haze of smoke or the scent of stale beer to greet her this time. Only an old, familiar smell and a back turned to her.

"Just put it in the pile by the door, Grant."

Ellie glanced towards a pile of random junk lying atop a workbench to her right, raising an eyebrow as she saw a half dozen books beside it. One of them was titled 'Idiot's Guide to Electronics'.

A far cry from simple farm life.

They had thrived there, and while Ellie had never considered herself one for the quiet life she had quickly found the appeal of it. Slow days in the garden or with the sheep, warm nights with the girl she loved, and a house filled with the babbles of their son.

Until she had fucked it all up.

"..Hey."

There was a clatter of tools and whatever the other girl had been working on as Dina rounded to face her with wide eyes. "Ellie."

It wasn't relief, not like she had wanted to hear. It was surprise, a shock but not a particularly welcome one from the way Dina took a half step toward her before rocking back to settle in her chair. It was better than she had expected.

Just worse than what she needed.

The air was heavy and tense, and Ellie decided to look somewhere else besides those beautiful and suddenly unfamiliar brown eyes. The warmth that had been there from their very first meeting, that drew her like a moth to flame for years, was replaced with a cold stare.

Indifference?

She took a few faltering steps to meander around the various projects scattered on tables through the workshop, swinging her arms with a sigh. "Electronics, huh?" Ellie risked a glance at the other girl. "I would've thought you'd gone back on patrol."

"I thought about it. But, it didn't feel right without you and Jesse." Dina was careful not to follow her steps with her eyes, looking away every time Ellie caught her trying to study her. Maybe not so indifferent after all. "I also didn't want to risk that JJ might lose his other mom, too, so.."

Wincing at the well deserved comment, Ellie stopped moving, picking at her fingernails, just below the height of the tables. "Right. Yeah."

Silence lingered, even more awkward than before as she swallowed a bit more of her pride to stand her ground. "I dropped by Jesse's and saw JJ, he looks good. He, uh, he even called me 'mama'." There was a look that crossed Dina's face, and Ellie almost flinched from the way it caused a pang of terror to beat through her heart. "I can.. Not do that, if it's not okay with you."

After an agonizingly long moment, the other girl just sighed and shook her head. "No, Ellie, you're his mom too, and he missed you."

"Oh." Even in the rush of gratitude she felt, she tried not to notice the way Dina didn't mention her own feelings on it, she really did. "Thanks."

"Yeah."

There were a few more seconds of loaded quiet between them before Ellie's last bit of courage failed her. "You, uh, seem busy. I'll let you get back to it.." She paused her hasty retreat. "I'm around if you.. Want to talk about it all."

No answer, not even a look in her direction as Dina sighed.

Ellie hoped she didn't look as pathetic as she felt right then, nodding and backing up towards the door. "Okay."

She had given up and turned around when she heard Dina again. "Hey Ellie?"

Turning around so quickly that she almost hip-checked a table corner, she tried to keep hope from her voice. "Yeah?"

"Was it worth it?"

Anxiety and any measure of hope was knocked out of her, Ellie was certain it took a bit of wind from her as well as she met the hard gaze of the other girl and wrung her hands together.

The pads of her fingers grazed over the ends of stubs, and she grit her teeth for a moment before looking down and shaking her head. Her answer was meek, an admittance of guilt for both herself and Dina.

"No."

She didn't dare look back as she opened the door and stepped back out into the night.

* * *

True to her word, Maria had sent someone over to unlock the old house that Ellie had lived in from when she had first come to Jackson, the key was still in the knob as she turned it and pushed the door inward. What greeted her was an empty and bare reminder.

The last time she had seen this place, she was packing up to move to the farmhouse, a measure of fear and excitement at following the dream with Dina had overrode everything else. Now there was bare walls and furniture covered in a layer of dust to greet her. She let out a long sigh as she stepped in, dropping her backpack by the table, and kicking the door closed behind her as she stripped off her jacket.

She unbuckled the thigh holster holding her pistol and set it down on the table. Reaching for the revolver stuffed into the back of her pants that she had taken from Joel's before leaving for Seattle, she pulled it out to examine it. It had new scuffs and modifications, but it was still his. Ellie frowned at the scratched barrel.

It seemed stupid coming back here. A step back.

JJ was doing fine with his mom and grandparents, Maria was apparently still willing to work on things with Tommy, Dina had told her exactly what to expect if she had left. They didn't need her.

Joel wasn't here.

Ellie flexed her fingers. It felt like her palm stung now. There was so much to try and move on from, so much to try and fix, she didn't know where to start. There was no good place to start.

She stuffed the revolver into the back of her jeans, reaching for the door knob.

Joel wasn't here anymore, but part of him still was.

* * *

Ellie busied herself with brushing dead petals and stray leaves from the top of the headstone, a soft sort of appreciation filling her at the sight of fresh flowers marking his grave. Four years, and while she had made a few friends and largely stayed out of the way, Joel had been a huge part of the community.

It made her smile, to know how many had gotten to share in just how big his heart was. That people still remembered the good he had done.

With her good hand, she drew the revolver from her waistband before turning and sitting down with her back against the headstone. The gun hung loose in her grip, between her knees as she looked up at the night sky.

"The stars are out, Joel."

Ellie sighed as she stared up into the masses of tiny lights that dotted the sky. "I wonder if you'd be able to name any of the constellations.." She laughed, despite the tears beginning to gather in her eyes. "You know I saw that stupid book in your house?"

Right next to his glasses, the night after they talked on the porch. 'The Idiot's Guide to Space'. He'd always supported her 'space thing', always wanted to find new ways to talk about it with her. Until she had shut him out that day in Salt Lake.

She rubbed the back of her hand against her eyes to wipe away tears before they could run down her cheeks, hissing when she clenched all of her fingers and accidentally brushed against the remains of her ring and pinkie fingers.

"I'm sorry."

Ellie wasn't sure what she was sorry for specifically. Wasn't sure if it mattered anymore.

She looked down from the stars.

There was so much to be sorry for, and there wasn't any more time to fix it with Joel.

She pressed her forehead against her knees as she curled in on herself, still clutching the revolver in her right hand. She closed herself off from the world, focused on the feeling of hard stone against her back, the slight discomfort as it pushed against a bruise or two there.

And just like she had since the day she had lost him, she forced herself to sit there until exhaustion made the world fall away.

And she slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would've gotten to this faster, but I've been replaying the game on a New Game+, looking to platinum it this time around. Thank you for the response to the first chapter, it's been quite validating to see so many other people out there needing something more after this game. Anyway, not a lot to say here, lemme know what you think!
> 
> -Fox


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

_**The Way It Is** _ **\- Chapter 3**

* * *

" _I haven't seen you in.. I don't even know how long."_

Ellie pushed the door open slowly, the hallway beyond bathed in the harsh red glow of a handful of flares littered down it. She had been here before, seen the abandoned medical equipment piled up in random places through out, the spray paint on the far wall. It wasn't right though, it seemed taller, more imposing.

There was a clatter from down the hallway, and her pistol pulled from the back of her jeans and in her hands as a song began to softly play. A song she hadn't heard in years, a pistol she had grown out of. No missing fingers as she looked down at her left hand.

" _Forty-five days. Well, forty-six, technically.."_

Suddenly her gun was gone, and both hands were filled with rough callouses and dark skin, pulling her and making her move to the beat of the song. Ellie felt herself laugh as she fell into the motions, and the way the grin she saw before her made her heart skip.

" _This is something that you've wanted for.. You know. Forever, so.. Who am I to stop you?"_

She's dodging out of the way of a stream of water with a surprised cry, before sliding out from behind the glass counter to fire her own volley.

" _The only person who can."_

She's staring in wonder as the girl in front of her rips off the pendant and tosses it aside.

" _No. Please, don't go. I'll be so miserable without you!"_

She's holding Riley's hand, staring at the wall in front of her and out of tears when she feels the first involuntary twitch against her palm.

She closes her eyes and waits for her turn.

" _Don't go."_

When Ellie opens her eyes again, she staring at a little makeshift pyramid made out of canned peaches and beans.

" _Henry says that, 'They've moved on'. That they're with their families. Like in heaven. Do you think that's true?"_

She pulls out the robotic action figure from her backpack and sets it down on the table. It doesn't bring out the smile she thought it would.

" _I go back and forth. I mean, I'd like to believe it."_

She's pushing back as wailing fists smack against her arms. Every hit stung and would leave a bruise for the coming days, and it's the second rush that sends her tumbling through the door, desperately trying to keep gnashing teeth from her skin as she brings her knee up between her and the boy she had once known.

" _But you don't."_

She watches Joel stick the shovel into the earth between two fresh mounds of dirt. He grunts once, and then turns to leave. Ellie sits with her knees drawn to her chest and stares at the wooden grave marker that says 'Sam'.

" _I guess not."_

She's back in that hallway, the red glow lighting up the graffiti at the end.

" _My friend's problems are my problems."_

The hallway seems like its the right size now, no longer taller than her, no longer imposing. The flares draw dark shadows on the floor that almost look like infected.

" _You've got to get this girl to Tommy's. He used to run with this crew, he'll know where to go."_

The song was discordant now, and the voices were beginning to overlap, so much so that she pressed her hands against her ears. It didn't stop them, and she felt the two spaces where fingers used to be.

" _Somebody I had look after. And in this world, that sort of shit's good for one thing: Gettin' you killed."_

She reached the end, stumbling against the wall near the door. Her palm was pressed into the graffiti there, and when she pulled it back it came away wet with the blood that the Firefly symbol was drawn in.

" _No such thing as luck. You see, I believe that everything happens for a reason."_

Ellie swings open the door and runs inside, crashing against the glass on the other side of the door as she runs from the voices. She claws open the next door and dashes into the operating room, back into that uncomfortable sense of deja vu, the feeling she had been here before even though she didn't remember it.

" _We let you both live, and you wasted it!"_

Suddenly, all around her was quiet, except for her panicked attempts to breathe. She tentatively lowered her hand from her left ear, looking around the operating room. As she looked back towards the table, a figure in a surgical mask and gown rushed out, shoving a scalpel into her stomach.

Ellie screamed, pushing against the figure only to find nothing but air. She gasped for air before grasping at the knife plunged into her gut, ripping it free. Her agonized cries echoing in the room as red began to pour from the wound, the pain throbbing deep inside the hole it left behind.

It hurt so much she couldn't see, couldn't focus.

Then she heard him.

"Hey, kiddo."

She scrambled around to look for him.

* * *

Ellie groaned as she blinked her eyes open, having woken with a start at the end of her dream. The sheets she was tangled in stuck to her skin, and her back was slick with sweat beneath her tank top as she slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position.

A glance at the alarm clock on the stand next to her bed told her it was just past ten in the morning, meaning she'd only slept a handful of hours. It was also way too hot for being before noon, especially with her window open.

Sliding her legs off the edge of the bed, she scratched absently at her right knee before looking back at the sheets. "Ugh, gross." She had sweat through the thin fabric, and the room was heavy with the smell of it.

Her dream came back to her then, and her hand trailed to push up the hem of her tank top as she rubbed her palm against an ugly mass of scar tissue just above her hip. It had all felt so real, but the pain of being stabbed was lingering, pulsating inside her abdomen as she looked down. "Fuck, ow.."

The way she had sewed it up multiple times had left a knot of tissue that was paper than the skin around it, but she almost thought it looked like it was redder than it had been. Ellie wasn't sure, couldn't be sure if that was any different, she had largely left it alone after re-stitching it.

A not so subtle flash of the wound being submerged in salt water wriggled through her thoughts, leaving her rubbing her palm against the area even harder to dispel the deep seated ache.

Bleeding and alone in the shallows, listening to the fading rumble of the boat's engine.

She'd gambled everything on one chance to silence the voice in her head, and in the end her obsession had almost hollowed her out. And it cost her the things that had mattered.

A week back in town and she'd only seen Dina once, a standing offer to talk left in the wind.

A shaking hand raised to push back sweat-slicked hair from her forehead with its two good fingers as she tried to put the dream from her mind, and she once again took in a breath and realized just how hot it was. The air was dry and hazy, it felt still even with the open window.

With parts of her body complaining, Ellie rose to her feet and padded over to the little box fan set near her desk, turning it on to cool her off as she half fell into the chair. The table was littered with parts, the disassembled wreck of the gun she'd taken off that Rattler fuck that had found her stringed up in California and had tried to feed her to a clicker.

It wasn't like there was much she could improve on with the gun, but learning how to clean a weapon and maintain it was something Joel had drilled into her that first year in Jackson. The image of him leaning on her door frame flashed through her mind, chuckling to himself as he tried to remember a bad joke.

Ellie reached over to the backpack laying near the mess and pulled out her journal, flipping it over as she took up a pencil and began to draw.

The dream was still pretty fresh, and if she didn't try to get some of it down now it would slip away.

Minute by minute passed where the only sounds were the low hum of the fan and the scratching of lead against paper, her thoughts occupied. She didn't notice the sweat still rolling down her back, the multiple times she had to push her hair back out of her face.

She was lost in the process of drawing when the fan clicked, whirred, and began to slow down.

It drew her attention away with a frown, staring at it before reaching over and turning the knob on top of it a few times. The heat was even more oppressive without that small comfort, and she already felt the bare skin of her legs sticking to her seat. After a moment she sighed, turning back to reach out to the desk lamp, clicking its button on and off a few times as the bulb didn't even flicker.

"Great." It was a few moments of tapping her eraser against the page before she decided to go find out what was happening.

Sliding her chair back, she sighed and turned around in it. For a moment, she saw the door open and the dark of night outside. She saw him standing there with a thumb hooked over his belt buckle, smiling. She blinked, and he was gone, but her heart was suddenly a jackhammer in her chest as she shook her head.

Ellie took a long moment to breathe before she stood up and walked over to the bed, snagging her holster on the way over and tossing it into the still sweat-stained sheets. Changing out of her soaked tank top for a cleaner one and pulling on a pair a jeans with holes on the knees, she followed it with strapping on the holster.

With a glance over at the pillow, still fresh with the wet indent of where she had slept in this heat, she pulled it up and grabbed the revolver laying beneath it. She ran her fingers down it's barrel before she tucked it into the back of her pants.

* * *

_This is so stupid._

_It was just a fever dream, and I'm blaming this fucking heat wave for that, but they all looked so real. Especially her._

_I haven't dreamed of her in a long time, I thought I'd forgotten what she looked like._

_This drawing is close,_ _ ~~I think~~ _~~_I hope._~~ _But the only pictures left of her are back in Boston, and those Fedra fucks probably burned them._

_I don't think I have her eyes quite right here._

_I still miss you, Riley._

~~_It sounded like he was right there._ ~~

* * *

There were plenty of people out on their porches or under the awnings of the various shops as she walked by, all chattering quietly and wondering the same thing she was. A lot of them were fanning themselves in this heat, the sun beating down to make even the shade unbearable at this point. The chatter was consistent as she moved through the streets, though, everyone's power was out.

Some of them made the effort to wave, and she returned a few 'Hey, Ellie's with greetings of her own, but soon she found herself almost running into a girl a few years younger than her who came jogging around a corner.

"Whoa, sorry Ellie!"

Steadying the girl before letting her go, she shook her head. "No problem, Cassie. What's up?"

"Looking for you, actually." The girl was panting softly, but jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "Maria needs you, over by the stables."

"Right. Thanks."

The girl gave her a thumbs up as she stepped past, and Ellie put a little more speed into her steps as she neared the stables, waiting for a wagon to pass on the road before she jogged across. Inside were a couple of the older patrol guys and Maria, talking over a map.

"Ellie, hey, get in here." Maria beckoned her over, folding up a map they had been looking over and nodding at the two she had been speaking to. "Make sure you bring everyone back in. Thanks, guys."

Stepping aside to let them leave and saying a quick good morning to both, Ellie moved over to find Maria rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Hey, Cassie found me, what's up?"

"Well I was hoping the last few days were just a fluke but we might be heading into a heat wave, I've suspended all patrols for the time being."

Ellie nodded. "Want me to go out and bring someone back from patrol?"

"No, no, they've got it handled. I need you to head down to the dam so we can figure out what's going on and get the power back up." Maria had denied her request just a couple of days ago to return to patrols, saying she needed more time to rest, so this left Ellie with a raised eyebrow. "And give me some time to work out an air conditioning schedule so we don't burn out the power."

"Just ride there and back?"

"Well.."

"Hey, sorry I'm late." A new voice joined them as Dina walked in, carrying a messenger back that looked heavy. "It's ready, Maria."

Ellie tried not to stare as Dina ran a hand through a messy mop of black hair, but she was caught when the other girl noticed her standing there. "Hey."

She hoped that hadn't sounded as lame as it did to her.

"Hi, Ellie." There was an uncomfortable lingering quiet between them until Dina looked back to Maria, before setting the bag down on the table and opening it, revealing a radio and a half dozen cables. "Should be as easy as hooking it up to the solar batteries they already have, now. I can explain the more complicated stuff to whoever is taking it."

"No need, I want you to take it there. I want you both on this."

They exchanged a glance between them and the older woman before Ellie spoke up.

"Maria, I-"

"But I don't-"

She cut both of them off, raising her hand to quiet them. "Look, I know it's not ideal, but I need that radio down there and working, and I trust you two to do it. And to watch each other's backs." Maria looked between them. "Now get on with it."

Even as she moved past Dina, the older woman gave Ellie a knowing look, causing her to sigh and rock back on her heels as she muttered, "Subtle, Maria."

They stood awkwardly, not looking at one another for a few seconds before Dina cleared her throat and pulled the strap of the bag back over her head. "I guess we're going. I'll get the horses, can you grab a couple canteens?"

Ellie didn't miss the way Dina looked anywhere but her as she turned to walk further into the stables, and she frowned.

"Right. Yeah."

Instead, she set a path for the blonde woman who was caught up with three of the younger patrol members, talking them through the route to get to the lookout posts and bring those who had gone out on the morning patrols back.

"Just make sure to bring them straight back, and take lots of water with you, I don't want anyone collapsing out there."

"Maria." The little group dispersed as she neared, trying and failing to bite her tongue as she felt exasperation growing within her. "What the hell was that?"

"Ellie, just do as I ask, okay?"

Maria started to turn away, but she stepped so she was still in view. "No, hey, Dina hasn't said a word to me since my first night back, why are you doing this?"

The woman rounded on her. "Ellie, enough!" The whisper was harsh and caused her to falter back a step. "I know things aren't what you were hoping for with her, but I need you to get over it and just do this. If this heat wave lasts as long as last one we'll lose a lot of our crops, I need you to go make sure the dam has everything they need to get the power back on. That's our priority right now. Do you understand?"

Ellie was looking at the ground now, her fists clenched as she nodded. "Yeah, I get it."

"Good." Maria touched her shoulder gently, bringing her eyes up. "Try to talk to her. You left, you need to make the effort."

Part of her wanting to sigh and say something dismissive, but all she could think about was those gentle days in the farm house, and she gave another nod. "Okay, Maria. Fine."

The older woman flashed a small, proud smile at her. "Now be careful, and get a move on."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to cut this one off for length, bit more excitement than the first couple chapters in this and the next few! I wanna thank you all who are reading, leaving kudos, and comments. I'm glad others needed this as much as I did, and I'm really happy that you think I'm doing a good job of it. As always, lemme know what you think!
> 
> -Fox


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

_**The Way It Is** _ **\- Chapter 4**

* * *

Ellie ducked under a low hanging branch, the saddle bouncing beneath her in time to the horse's steps as they took a modest pace down the trail. She'd come this way a few times over the years, usually on the long assignments to guard the dam, but the trail itself was easy enough to follow, it used to be a highway in the old world. Now it was overgrown, with a thick canopy of trees growing through the right side of the road.

She focused on the wildflowers growing through the cracks in the ruined concrete, trying to shut out the sounds of another set of hooves just behind her. It was as awkward as the workshop, if not even more after a week of silence. There was a distance between them now, a barrier.

Ellie thought she had opened the door, but..

There was a clatter of hooves against loose rocks as Dina trotted up alongside her. "You slept in."

"Yeah..?" Did she look like she slept in?

"Did you have a late night?

"Not really." Ellie kept her answers short, glancing over at this strange break in the space between them, trying to figure out where Dina was going with this.

"So you're sleeping better?"

Oh.

"Trying to."

Dina made a noise to acknowledge it, and the whole conversation was had with her eyes looking everywhere but Ellie, who was ready to drop it all together as simply a fluke when she spoke up again. "Have you been assigned back on patrol yet?"

This time, when Ellie looked over and almost directly into the sunlight casting through the leaves above them, she squinted and found deep brown eyes staring back at her.

She wished her heart didn't beat faster so easily.

"No, Maria wants me to do guard duty on the walls for a while. 'Take it easy', as she puts it."

Dina flashed a smile at her obvious exasperation. "So you're going stir crazy?"

"A little bit, yeah?" Ellie couldn't help but chuckle as she finally looked away for a moment, blinking the sun from her eyes before glancing back over. "And you're working on.. A radio?"

The awkwardness seemed to have evaporated between them as Dina leaned back in her saddle and became very animated. "Maria has had one in her office for years, but there's nowhere else to talk to. After seeing how the Wolves kept in touch, I thought maybe we could get a similar set up."

"Oh, that's smart."

Ellie hadn't meant for it to sound so muted.

"What?"

"You seem like you like this stuff." She sighed and ran a hand back through her hair, slicking it with sweat. It was running down her face in beads, and she could feel the way her tanktop was stuck to her back. "Did you ever fix that stupid stereo at the farm?"

There was a sour look that crossed Dina's expression for a moment. "I'm still missing a few parts, I actually brought it back when I.."

That look returned.

Ellie looked down at the reins in her hand and nodded, before focusing back on the road ahead, and lightly tapping her heels on the flanks of her horse to urge it to continue on a bit faster. Minutes passed in that same uncomfortable quiet as before, and all she could think about is how she had brought up the farm.

"Stupid."

She muttered the word under her breath, the sound getting lost in the clatter of their travel as the road opened up to a wider trail. The swaths of trees gave way a bit, and the blaze of the sun beat down on her back without any of the shade to stop what little heat it could. Ellie flexed her fingers, which seemed to ache a little bit more now that she focused on them to stop her mind from wandering.

* * *

Ellie was halfway through a drink from the canteen she had slung over her shoulder when the other woman's voice came again. "You know, JJ has been happier since you've been back." She nearly choked, forcing herself to swallow as she spilled a few drops down the front of her shirt.

Twisting the cap back on as she coughed, she dropped the canteen to her side and took in a deep breath of the hot, dry air. After a long moment where she tried to guess what Dina was getting at, she pulled on the reins a bit to stop her horse. It did help to hear that. She had tried to see him at least once every day, and it was quickly on the way to becoming the best part of each day for her.

But still the question lingered. "Are you? ..Happier, I mean."

The other horse stopped as well, a few feet ahead. It's occupant looked back at her, and Ellie could not read the expression there. "I just need to know-"

A whinny cut her off, drawing both of their gazes down the road. There was a horse standing a few feet off the route, on the other side of the guardrail. It was grazing through the taller underbrush, not paying any attention to them.

Ellie swung her leg over the saddle and dismounted, pulling the pistol from her holster as she quietly spoke. "I'll see if its one of ours."

"Careful."

"Always."

There was a scoff behind her that almost made her smile.

She approached the guardrail slowly, both hands on the grip of her weapon as she scanned the trees for any sign of movement. Nothing came out as she neared, and no sounds reached her that seemed out of place from the various insects and birdsongs. When she peered over the side, it was obvious that the horse wasn't from Jackson. The saddle was ornate and embroidered, and the blanket under it seemed like an entirely different design than any she had seen in the stables.

More importantly, there was corpse being drug with its foot tangled in a mess of reins and other leather straps.

"Just a dead straggler!" Ellie sighed and returned her pistol to the holster, turning around to march back towards Dina. "Can I use your knife to cut him loose?"

"Uh, sure. What'd you do with your switchblade? You've taken that thing to bed before." Reaching out with her left hand towards the offered blade as she neared, Ellie had started to respond that it was a long story when the other woman's eyes fell to her fingers. "Oh my god, Ellie."

Taking the knife from the shocked grip, she looked down at the hand. She flexed her fingers, the stubs still reddened and looking as raw as they had for the past few weeks. At least they weren't the dark and angry purple they had been as she had rested on the borders of California, recovering from being impaled. "I thought Robin or June would have told you.."

"No, they.. What happened?"

With a sigh, she refused to look up at Dina, and turned around to not acknowledge the welling of shame that filled her. "Let's just get on with this."

Hopping the guardrail with a soft grunt, she moved over and patted the horse's shoulder as it looked up at her, running her fingers through its mane to keep it calm.

What did she do with her switchblade?

" _I can't let you leave."_

_She open the blade, and pointed it at the throat of the boy Abby had freed and brought down to the beach with her._

" _You made him a part of this."_

_She grit her teeth and sobbed through the pain as she frantically dragged her hands through the sands beneath the water. Eventually she gave up, sitting back down and holding her bleeding and ruined hand. The water around her was murky with all that she had kicked up in her search, and slowly turning red as she felt her side ache with a new ripping sensation._

"Ellie."

_She clutched her bandaged hand to her chest that night, crying into the emptiness of the house she had barricaded on the outskirts of Santa Barbara. The blade had been one of the last links to her mother, aside from a letter a thousand miles away, back at home._

"Ellie!"

_Home._

Ellie blinked and looked back to find Dina had dismounted, looking towards her with concern. She wasn't back in Santa Barbara, she wasn't struggling to find sleep because everything hurt, her heart most of all. She was standing in front of a horse, tears on her cheeks as she sniffled and shook her head. "Sorry. Lost myself for a sec."

She couldn't look at Dina any more, turning to move around the horse and bring the knife to the tangled mess of leather wrapped around the corpse's foot as she quickly used her other hand to wipe at her cheeks. She was almost too wrapped up in her own thoughts to notice the simple garb the dead man wore, the handmade quiver.

The foot dropped as it was freed, revealing a hole in the back of his brown coat and the bloodstained white shirt beneath it. The coat is what finally shook her out of her thoughts. She pulled him onto his back, sucking in a breath as she saw it. Two scars on either side of his face.

"Oh fuck."

She turned to scan the treeline once more, squinting to try and make sure there was nothing that stood out, nothing that shouldn't have been there.

"What's wrong?"

There weren't any shrill whistles, none of the sounds that had haunted the edges of her hearing for months after they left Seattle. No arrows came from the trees. Ellie took a deep a breath, steadying herself before turning back to look around the horse at Dina. "He's a fucking Scar!"

"What?!"

Grabbing the body, she pulled it up and then threw it over the saddle. With a bit of guidance, the horse hopped over the guardrail back onto the broken highway, and Ellie walked it over so that Dina could see. "Why the hell would a Scar be all the way out here?"

"I don't know." When she finished tying the stray horse's reins to her own saddle, Ellie turned and offered the knife back to the other girl. "But this guy was shot."

"You think it was our people?"

Hauling herself up into her saddle, Ellie ignored that pinch of pain in her right side and took up the reins. "I'm hoping not, lets go."

She kicked her heels into the horse's flanks beneath her, breaking into a gallop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to split this chapter up because the second half just is not ready, hope to have that out in the next couple days. Enjoy! -Fox


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

_**The Way It Is** _ **\- Chapter 5**

* * *

Ellie's legs were sore by the time they were approaching the dam, the ride here being hard and fast after they had discovered the corpse of the Scar off the side of the broken down highway. As the sun had reached its highest and the day had moved into afternoon, the heat had been even more oppressive than the morning. Her skin was slick with sweat, and it had left even her jeans sticking to her legs as she pulled on the reins to slow her horse as they neared the edge of the treeline.

Her heart began to beat a little faster as she kept one hand on the reins and the other on the grip of her pistol, not sure what exactly they could be riding into. They finally broke the treeline, the stretch of ruined road leading directly to the back gate of the power plant. She had led her horse out a few feet with no one showing themselves on the walls before she looked back at Dina and shared a shrug with her.

A gunshot shattered the air, and Ellie's horse reared beneath her. It's panicked whinny was right in her ear as she clutched around the neck of her mount in order to stay on, balancing herself atop it as it came down with a jolt that went through her. "Hey! We're from Jackson, we're from Jackson!"

It was Dina shouting at the shooter, but Ellie didn't have time to acknowledge her or the person atop the wall as she worked to calm her horse, patting it's shoulders as she quickly looked it over for injuries. It seemed as though the shot had missed her and the animal entirely, leaving her shaken as she slowly trotted the horse in a wide circle to work out its nerves and looked over at the other girl, who was staring at her with a concerned expression.

There was a shouted apology from the other side, almost lost in the other shouts of alarm that could be heard from behind the gate. Ellie glanced away from that familiar look on Dina's face as she muttered. "Motherfucker.."

As they led their horses towards the gate, the doors were opened by a boy a bit younger than her, his sheepish expression and the rifle slung over one shoulder earning a glare from her. There were a handful of men and women inside, holding rifles and other weapons at the ready. Some of their wary features turned to recognition when they looked over her and she answered the scattered greetings with a wave.

"Holy shit.." Dina rode in just behind her, and from what she guessed was addressing the boy at the gate. "Hey, what happened here?"

The reason for their wariness was apparent, with bodies scattered over the courtyard. All of them wore the same brown coats she had recognized, and there was a number of horses there as well. Two were dead, sporting the embroidered saddles, while the others were meandering about aimlessly. One woman came forward to grab her reins as she dismounted, and Ellie jerked a thumb at the Scar laying over the horse behind her. "I'm guessing you guys lost one?"

"Pretty sure Tommy got that one while he was trying to run." She patted her horse's shoulder and looked over the courtyard.

"Where can I find him?"

The woman pointed towards the door that led inside the plant, before gently coaxing her horse off to the side. Ellie turned to Dina, who was listening to the boy who had almost shot her talk about how he hadn't been there at the start of the attack. She didn't recognize him. Not that she knew everyone in Jackson to begin with, but she at least could recognize them.

She tried to figure out why that lack of recognition brought back memories of walking through this place for the first time. So many new faces and the first friendly ones they had seen since leaving Pittsburgh.

Ellie flexed her fingers, not caring how clammy her palms felt in this heat. Dina had noticed her staring, and was walking over to her with that same concerned look in her eyes. Ellie decided to throw her off for now. "Who was that?"

Glancing back towards the boy, who was busy doing a very good job not looking over to match Ellie's angered gaze, Dina spoke quietly. "Marcus. He and his family stumbled across one of our patrols a few months after you.. After I went back to Jackson."

"Oh."

Her desire for conversation died quickly after that, and she turned to head into the building. A glance back told her that Dina was following her, but only until she acknowledged Dina saying she had to get to the control room to install the radio with a nod.

She found Tommy in the room that had been set aside for the crews to sleep in shifts while working on the dam, talking to someone who was holding a fresh bandage on his arm.

There were a handful of other people here too, some injured and some caring for them. No one had noticed her yet.

She swallowed heavily.

Fuck it.

"Tommy."

He had to limp to make a full turn back to face her, his one good eye squinting before realization dawned over his face. "Ellie?" It was only when he began limping towards her that she closed the gap, but he moved immediately to pull her into a tight embrace, and she returned it with an awkward hug of her own. "God, when'd you get back?"

Pulling away, she shrugged and rocked back on her heels. "A week ago. Maria had me come out here with Dina to deliver a radio after the power went out."

"She got that workin' then? Good. These sons of bitches attacked us right as we were gettin' ready to fix the turbine."

She cleared her throat and nodded, looking around and glad for the distraction. "Yeah, what the hell are Scars doing out here?"

"Well, it's a little complicated.." Tommy scoffed and motioned for her to follow him. "This way, I got quite the story to tell you."

Ellie tried not to notice the way he took each stair one at a time, holding onto the handrail. The only comfort she could take was that it didn't seem as bad as it had been, there were no pained grimaces with each step now. He led her down through the turbine area, where some of the crew was already back to work. At the end of the room, he opened a door and stepped in.

Closing the door behind her, Ellie let out a breath at the heat in the building. It was a few degrees cooler than outside, but only a few. "Tell me they aren't coming after us."

"They ain't, don't worry." Tommy chuckled as he sat down on the far side of the table in the middle of the room. "Check this out, been working on this the last few months."

He laid out a map on the table and turned it to face her. It showed all fifty states, major cities and roadways, but it had been drawn on. A lot. "See, we've had more and more traders and stragglers coming through here, and with things bein' how they are, I've been offering them some supplies for information. Makin' sure we know what's out there, yeah?"

She kept her left hand on her leg as she sat down, running her right over the map to smooth it out a bit. Boston was marked clearly with 'Fedra QZ', Pittsburgh with 'Hunters'.. Ellie narrowed her eyes a bit when she looked to Washington. Both WLF and Scars had been written there, but both were now crossed out. "They're gone?"

"From what I've been told by a few Stragglers, they burned most of the goddamn city down with 'em." Tommy shook his head, scoffing. "Way I heard it, 'round the time we were there the Wolves were gearing up for some big attack on the Scars. It all went to shit, and most everyone on both sides died in the fighting since."

Ellie took a closer look, seeing smaller writings of 'Scars?' and 'Wolves?' in a dozen places all branching out from the city. "Former Wolf came through here a few weeks back, said what little food production they had left was taken out by the Scars. Far as he could tell, wasn't nobody staying in Seattle after that."

"Holy shit." Tommy nodded as she leaned back. "So they're coming this way?"

"Seems like they're just scatterin' out, but Maria was worried about it, too. Wanted us to do the usual we do for Stragglers, despite our.. History with them. Make 'em an offer, don't engage first, that sorta thing."

"What the fuck happened outside, then?"

"From what Houser told me, they had a couple kids come out to the gate, looked like they weren't armed. Attacked in force when he opened it." Tommy shook his head, the distaste clear on his scarred face. "They got a couple of us, and Houser was stabbed in the arm by one of those fuckin' kids, but their group paid for it."

Ellie grimaced, looking down as she picked at her fingernails. "Yeah."

"So." She closed her eyes and forced herself not to mutter 'fuck' under her breath. "Did you find her?"

It would be so easy to lie.

He didn't get it, he wouldn't understand.

Ellie felt like this was probably a bit of what Joel felt on that bluff above Jackson, years ago. It would be so easy.

She opened her eyes and looked up at Tommy, at the neutral expression he held.

"I.. I did."

"Seein' as you're back, I can assume she's no longer with us?" She stared at him. "Well, come on girl, don't keep me in suspense."

Ellie looked away for a moment, steeling herself. "I let her go."

"Excuse me?" There it was, the anger she had been expecting since the moment she had sat plucking away a guitar she couldn't play anymore and decided to come back instead of just staying away. Maria had been understanding, if not okay with her. Dina had been indifferent, cold. This is what she had expected. "You're gone for months and you come back with 'I let her go'?"

This is what she deserved.

"When I found her, Tommy, I.." Ellie tried to put into words what she had seen, how Abby looked tied to that pillar. Words failed her. "It just wasn't worth it."

"Wasn't worth it? After all he did for you?"

Her hands shook as she finally met his furious gaze, a sudden realization dawning on her. "You knew, didn't you?" He had lost much of his aggressive posture then, surprise crossing his face. "How long?"

"Look, Ellie-"

She smashed her fists down on the table, rattling it on its shaky legs. "How long?!"

"He told me a few days after you guys came back from Salt Lake, and he-" His good eye flitted down. "Christ, Ellie.."

Anger left her as she realized what he was looking at, and she unclenched her fist. The two stubs where her fingers stood out so plainly, and she could feel the bruise that was going to form on the bottom of her palm.

" _Everything that I've done."_

Did she say that out loud?

She stood, suddenly and without really knowing why. It felt hard to breathe, like she was the one being held underwater.

Tommy's mouth was moving, but the words were lost in the pounding of her heart, the chill running through her limbs and making her shiver in sweat soaked clothing.

Like a pane of glass with cracks spreading through it, she felt the break coming, she felt the need to get away.

She was drowning, and all she could see was his face as he told her what had happened in the hospital.

All she could think about was the fact that he was gone.

He was gone.

And she could never try again.

The door slammed shut behind her.

* * *

Marcus hadn't said a word when she grabbed her horse and took off. Or he might have.

Ellie hadn't been able to focus until she was halfway into the woods and the air felt as though it was becoming lighter around her. Hadn't processed anything until her heart had stopped pounding so hard it had deafened her.

She had rode until the memories stopped coming up, until she felt the heat of the day again instead of a deep chill that didn't leave her numb. She hadn't known where she was going.

Well, she hadn't realized where she was going, until she had reached the fence. The place she had many memories of warm days repairing the posts and putting up stronger wire, all while Dina had complained that she could totally lift those posts despite a massive belly.

Now Ellie was in the room she had left a week earlier, sitting on the floor against the wall. It was the only room that wasn't grey and lifeless now.

It was filled with her failure.

But at least it wasn't empty.

She had no real plan for what to do here, but her dream from the morning plagued her enough that she had dug through the closet until she found an old backpack still littered with pins, one of its straps torn from the top of it.

The letter that had been inside the pack lay between her legs on the floor, carefully opened and still yellowed with age. The bloodstained handprint still there, bringing a weird comfort to her. Something that hadn't changed.

Her wrists were resting on her knees, and her eyes were glued to the small metal pendant that spun as she twisted the chain this way and that. It's face was rusted, stained with blood as well. She'd never tried to clean it.

It would've felt like a betrayal to wash that off.

Her name was softly called from downstairs.

Kind of like how being alive still felt.

Footsteps up the creaking stairs. Hadn't she told Dina she was totally gonna fix those steps?

How many times had she woken her up in the middle of night by stepping on them, desperate to get some air.

Another twist and the pendant danced in the light of the evening sun coming through the window, the same light that cast a long shadow of the guitar she had left there.

"Ellie?"

There was a soft knock at the door, which slowly swung inward. She didn't need to look to know it was Dina, she could see every beautiful line and freckle. Even if she was blind, she could have seen that. Even now, even after all she had done, the fact that she was here made her feel better more than anything else could.

That felt undeserved on her part.

She had to close her eyes and grip the chain tight between her fingers as the comforting presence sat down next to her, their shoulders nearly touching. Minutes passed, the silence between them not as awkward as it had been back in Jackson. It felt normal.

It made her feel like she wasn't suffocating under all that she had done.

Ellie swallowed, and it sounded like thunder through the stillness of the room.

"Hm." The noise came from beside her, and she risked a glance to find dark brown eyes focused on the pendant she was fidgeting with. "I remember when you showed me Joel's collection of those, I didn't know you had one."

It was classic Dina to ignore so many things hanging over them and just ask a question so casually without actually asking it. It almost made her laugh.

Instead, she wound up the chain before reaching over and pressing it into the other girl's palm. Dina took it, flipping it over and running her fingers over the bloodied metal. "Riley Abel. Wonder who she was."

It was hard to keep her heart under control, but she couldn't have ever hoped to stop the pang that ripped through it at the sound of that name. It was like a beast inside her, rearing its head and demanding that she speak.

"She was my best friend." Ellie finally looked over at Dina, hoping beyond hope that she had wasted all her tears on the ride to the farm. "Back in Boston."

"Oh." The pause there as Dina looked back down at the pendant. "Do you want to tell me about her?"

'No.' seemed like the obvious, instinctual answer to Ellie. But that didn't stop her mouth from moving. "You would have liked her. She was strong, she watched out for me, hated anyone telling her what to do."

A shoulder bumped against hers. "Reminds me of someone."

She smiled for a brief moment. "Yeah."

"She was a Firefly?"

"Yep." Ellie closed her eyes, trying to recall those simple days of the school. Of worrying for a month that her friend had gone off and gotten herself killed. "She was gonna leave them, though. For me, I guess."

Dina was smirking, and she could hear it in her voice. "Now that is not surprising."

The mirth lasted for a moment before Ellie opened her eyes and looked over, turning over her right arm and looking at the acid burn. "When I was bitten, Riley was there. She got bitten, too." It was still so raw to her. "We decided to wait it out, you know, just lose our minds together."

Her hand was gently taken, fingers threading through her own and holding it. It anchored her thoughts, allowed her to break from the swirl of images that talking about it came with, and let her take in a steady breath. "You're the only person I've told about her, except for Joel."

"There's a lot you haven't told me."

"Yeah."

"I am." She looked over with a confused expression and Dina chuckled. "Happier now, I mean. You.. Asked me earlier." The other girl gave a long, weary sigh and leaned a bit more into her. "It didn't feel like home without you, Ellie."

Ellie sat paralyzed for a long moment, letting out a slow breath before she leaned her head down against Dina's. "I know."

"Just.. We have a lot to work through. A lot to talk about."

"I know, I'm a huge fucking mess." That brought the laugh Ellie wanted, like music to her ears.

"Well you do smell like a hot piece of garbage." She smiled at the playful insult, knowing full well she had practically sweat out every ounce of water she'd actually drank today. She didn't have to sniff to know Dina was right.

"You love it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Finally some progress for them, right? Here's the second half of what I had before, hence the quick update. Thank you again for all the support, love to hear how much people are enjoying this! One thing that bugs me is the line from Dina about having a lot to talk about, but I felt I should include it so people don't get a "Yay everything is fixed!" feeling, 'cause it ain't that easy! 'Til next time! -Fox


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_**The Way It Is** _ **\- Chapter 6**

* * *

With her eyes closed, Ellie could almost pretend that nothing had changed. That she was still back at the farm enjoying the cool afternoon after a hard day of work. She could almost believe it with Dina laying against her, that she hadn't left all she had behind in search of some sort of resolution.

Almost.

It wasn't anywhere near a cool afternoon, and there was still a space between them, even as Dina was close. Something that had not been there until she had made the decision to leave.

The fingers that she had lost ached. She flexed all the fingers of her left hand, and finally opened her eyes again. Dina hadn't said much, seeming content to simply sit by her side despite the fact the warmth of the day left them both sweating through their clothes still. She had picked up the letter, looking at Ellie for the brief explanation she had given of where she had gotten it.

Her mother, Anna.

So much for making her proud.

She had read the letter, as far as Ellie could tell, from the way she had carefully folded it back up and held it, looking at the Firefly pendant beside it on the floor. She'd never shown anyone else these things, never really talked about her mother with Joel.

Then again, they had never really talked about anything for the last few years before he died. She knew she had a reason, but it seemed so stupid now, so much time wasted.

So much time gone.

It felt like she wanted to sob, but her body had given up trying to produce tears today. Small blessings, she guessed.

"You left all this here."

Ellie blinked as she was pulled from her dark thoughts, looking down into brown eyes and feeling that familiar skip in her heartbeat. "What?" She then followed the gaze across the room, the boxes and old things left in here. "Yeah, I guess."

"What happened?"

She didn't need to ask for clarification this time, she only looked down.

"You said it wasn't worth it." A hand took her left hand into it gently, and Dina gently touched the stubs where her ring and pinkie fingers used to be.

Sighing as she shifted and looked down at the hand that was being held, she tried to find the words to explain what had happened. It wasn't like when she talked to Tommy. There wasn't an urge to lie, to cover up what she had done. Dina deserved to know what she had done, the person she had become in those months away. "Tommy was right, about where she was. I found her, but it wasn't what I thought."

She risked a glance over at the other girl, finding Dina pointed not looking at her. "She had spent a couple months captured by these.. People. They called themselves 'Rattlers'."

Dina let out a long sigh. "They always have to have some stupid name."

"Yeah." A smirk crossed Ellie's lips for a moment before she looked up at the wall littered with her drawings. "They.. Tortured people they caught, used them as workers, I guess?"

"Fuckers."

"Anyway, I got caught in one of their traps and.." She winced at the memory of the broken branch stabbing into her side, of hours passing while she hung upside down and felt blood running down her chest, drifting in and out of consciousness. "I got out. I found their place, and I found her."

Ellie hadn't realized how tense she had gotten until Dina was gently moving her hand to hold it more comfortably. She met that intense gaze from the other girl for a split second, her nervousness growing. "She wasn't anything like she had been in Seattle. Half-starved and weak, they had tied her up and left her to die on these poles on the beach with the boy she had been with."

"I couldn't leave her there, but I couldn't let her go either." She pulled away from Dina, looking out the window to a setting sun. "She didn't want to fight, so I.. I made her. I told her she had made the boy a part of it, and.. Put my knife to his throat."

"Goddamn, Ellie."

"I know."

"So you finished it?"

"I couldn't." Ellie hung her head between her knees now, shaking it and becoming very aware of the space between her and Dina now. "I was holding her under the water and.. She was so weak." She squeezed the two stubs on her left hand, the hot flash of pain rushing through them. "I let her go."

"Why?"

She scoffed, shrugging futilely. "I don't know."

"Ellie."

"Killing her wouldn't do anything, and the only reason she would fight was to protect the boy.." Ellie thought back to that night on the porch, with Joel. "Just like Joel did for me." She sighed, unable to find the right way to express it. What word could even describe what she had felt in that moment, staring down at bubbling and bloodied water?

Sad?

Pointless?

Lost?

A hand laid on her back, causing her to tense for a moment before it began to rub long, slow circles. It brought her head up, brought her eyes back to Dina. The corners of her eyes burned again, like she was supposed to be crying. "I'm sorry."

A sad, sympathetic smile was her only answer as Dina continued to rub her back, and a long moment passed before she spoke. "Did it change anything for you?"

Her apology was left hanging in the air.

"I don't think so."

A soft hum came from Dina, who looked like she was going to say something else when a short, sharp whistle sounded out from outside the house. It could have easily been someone whistling for a horse in Jackson, but out here it set Ellie's thoughts on fire as it was answered by two other whistles.

* * *

Rising up to a crouched position in alarm, Ellie raised a finger to her lips and then motioned for Dina to follow her as she drew the revolver from her waistband.

Reaching the door, she slowly leaned out to look through the railing. No one was in sight downstairs.

At least, not yet. She hoped that meant they would have enough time to get out the back, anywhere that was better than being cornered upstairs.

Ellie crept forward, reaching the stairs and descending as slowly as she could. The wooden stairs creaked softly, and each little noise left her cringing inwardly. She could imagine the look on Dina's face right now, and could almost hear the 'I told you so'. It wouldn't be wrong to say, she had said she was going to fix these stupid steps a handful of times.

Stopping just shy of being able to see the front door, she focused on her hearing, straining to catch any sound.

Steps on the porch.

The front door opening.

It was too late to back up, and Ellie aimed her revolver.

The Scar was looking to the left when he came through, arrow nocked in his bow. His eyes slowly swept the room before he turned.

His eyes widened, but before he could utter a sound she fired, and his body toppled to the floor with a new hole in his head and a spray of blood behind him. "Come on!" She moved for the open door.

"Ellie!"

Arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her back, leaving her tumbling into Dina as they crashed down back on the stairs, and an arrow was shot into the space she had just been. Extracting herself from the other girl, she rose up and aimed around the right corner towards the kitchen entrance.

She was a split second too slow, as the next arrow sliced over her left forearm. It didn't stop her from correcting her aim though, and she shot the Scar woman in the shoulder just as another arrow was being drawn.

Growling in pain, Ellie ran forward as the woman stumbled back against the far wall. The bow had fallen to the ground, but the Scar was going for a knife. As the woman tried to struggle up to her knees, Ellie kicked her in the shoulder to shove her to the ground, and then put two more shots into her chest to keep her down.

She was panting when she heard the heavy footsteps thudding on the floorboards. There was a cry of alarm as she turned, and she saw Dina stumble back onto the stairs, falling out of sight to avoid the swinging machete from the third Scar. Ellie was too slow to aim, and the Scar disappeared around the corner even as her heel dug in to start running towards the fighting.

"Dina!"

There was no clear shot.

Something instinctual took over as adrenaline flooded through Ellie's veins, and she ran up behind the woman attacking Dina. The Scar was swinging wildly, advancing up the stairs when her hands closed on that stupid brown overcoat.

"Don't you fucking touch her!"

Throwing the woman back, the weight took her and the Scar crashing back down the stairs. The railing shattered as she tumbled over, landing on her back hard enough it knocked the air from her lungs.

Pain was spiking through her stomach, but there was no time to recover as the Scar glared at her and scrambled for the machete.

Dazed and still gulping in breath that didn't seem to do much for her, Ellie weakly struggled as the brawny woman crawled atop her, sticking the point to her stomach. She managed to get her hands on the Scar's wrists, even as the tip dug into her skin and she felt the warm wet of her blood bubble up. "You are nested with sin!"

The words were spit at her like venom, and her attempts to hold the blade back were easily batted aside as the machete rose to deliver the final strike.

Three shots rang out from up the stairs, the last of which went right through one of the woman's eyes and splattered Ellie with blood as she shoved the corpse off of her.

Dina dropped down from the stairs next to her, holding her pistol out at the ready as she reached down. Ellie coughed as she managed to sit up, looking at the other girl. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, get up!"

She was pulled to her feet, collecting her revolver from where it had fallen as she looked around the house. Her shoe caught on the machete the Scar had dropped, and she crouched to grab it, holding it tightly in her left hand as she stepped towards the door.

Her pulse was still pounding as she opened the door slowly, aiming to check the porch before moving to check the front side of the house. No sign of any more Scars.

She glanced back towards Dina. "It's clear." Ellie leaned down on her knees as she fought to catch her breath, sticking the revolver back into her waistband before holding her chest. "Fuck, ow.."

"Ellie." Dina spoke softly, having walked over, and Ellie followed where her gaze.

It brought her attention to her arm, which now sported a heavily bleeding gash from the middle of her wrist to almost her elbow, earning a grimace from her. Red was dripping off of her fingers, puddling in the dirt. "Fucking Scars.." Taking a mental stock of her injuries, she could feel bruises already forming from where she had hit the stair railing and the wall on the way down. The mass of scar tissue on her right side was flaring with pain from the tumble she had taken, leaving her still bent over a bit as she tried to breathe normally. The spot where the machete had dug into her was bleeding, but not heavily, and while it ached it didn't feel deep enough to worry about right now.

Dina wordlessly dug into the bag she had brought, pulling out a roll of cloth that she immediately began wrapping Ellie's arm with.

As the bandage was being tied off, Ellie looked up at the other girl. "Are you okay, she didn't get you?"

Dina looked okay, physically. But she also looked rattled, an expression Ellie hadn't seen since Seattle.

"No, I'm fine."

"Alright." Ellie searched that expression the girl gave her for a moment before she finally looked towards their horses, still tied to the porch and riled up by the commotion. "Come on, let's get the hell out of here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took a lot longer to get this out than I would have liked, been a bit sick the last week and hadn't found the motivation to really write until tonight. Hope its good! 'Til next time! -Fox


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

**_The Way It Is_ \- Chapter 7**

* * *

The ride back to Jackson had been one of tense, wary silence. Both of them focused on watching the trees for any more signs of Scars. By the time they had gotten to the gate Ellie was lagging several paces behind Dina, still not sure what had triggered the distance between them again.

She let out a long sigh as she rode in to the town alongside the other girl, stopping to dismount with a groan as it agitated her newly acquired cuts and bruises. Before she could take the horse over into the stables, a hand was laid on the reins and took them from her.

Dina wore that same unreadable expression, but there was a touch of concern in her voice. "I'll take care of these two, go get patched up."

"Okay. Thanks."

Watching Dina lead the horses into the stable for a moment, Ellie turned and walked down the street.

She could have gone to the town's clinic, found whatever supplies they had on hand and maybe some help to stitch up her arm, even this late. She found she didn't want to be in a public place right now.

Everything she had aired with Dina, everything else left unsaid, it all felt so raw.

So she found herself instead heading for her own place, kicking the door closed behind her and removing her weapons one by one. The machete ended up leaned against the small table near the door with her holster, and the revolver was placed carefully on her nightstand. Ellie found her way over to slump down into the chair near her workbench.

She carefully pushed the mess atop it out of the way, making sure not to lose any of the smaller pieces of the silenced weapon she had found in California. Digging into her pack with her right hand, she pulled out the first aid kit she had stashed within.

She set it on the desk and went about unwinding the bandage that Dina had placed around her arm, and then got to work stitching up the long, deep gash as fresh blood leaked through the dried cracks of what she had bled on the ride home.

Ellie was halfway done, busying her mind on the work so she could not focus on the pinch of the needle moving in and out of sensitive flesh, when a knock sounded against her door.

Swearing softly as she pulled the needle through, she stood and let it fall on the string as she walked over to open the door. She barely had time to register that it was Maria before she was engulfed in a tight hug, one that she returned less than enthusiastically. "Thank God you're alive, Ellie."

She pulled back, the older woman following her into the small room and immediately gesturing for her to sit down on the futon. Maria took up the process of stitching her arm from where she had left off, cutting off the beginning of Ellie's protests with a sharp look. "Dina told you, then?"

"And Tommy." The woman glanced up from her work with a small smile. "The radio is coming through loud and clear. Though I do kinda wish the first message wasn't that you had run off."

Ellie looked down, sniffing as she nodded. "I told him."

"He let me know how much of an ass he was."

"I'm the one who let her go."

Maria huffed in annoyance at her statement, but offered no point to disprove it. "You can be mad at him, you know? Hell, I'm mad at him."

"I'm not." She stared at her lap, dragging the sharp and dirty edge of a nail against the callouses on her right palm. "He's right to hate me."

"Hey." The word was spoken firmly, bringing her attention up almost like she was being scolded. "Tommy may be in a dark place right now, and he can say some stupid things when he's upset.. But that man doesn't hate you."

Ellie couldn't hold the eye contact for more than a few seconds as she found herself studying the bare walls of the room. She winced a few times as the stitches were placed, and could feel that the pattern Maria was using was almost a reverse of the way she had been taught, back in Boston. But the next few minutes passed in silence until the older woman gestured for her to pull her shirt up.

Without a thought otherwise, Ellie complied and pulled the hem of the tanktop up. "Christ, Ellie." She realized a second later what it was that Maria had seen, the mass of puckered and stretched scar tissue on her left side.

"I, uh.. Got caught in a trap, hit a broken tree branch."

The older woman shook her head before focusing, wetting a small cloth and rubbing away the dried blood from the cut the scar had left on the other side of her stomach. "You're lucky to be alive."

"Yeah."

It didn't feel lucky. People had made stupid choices and she had killed them.

She had her hands around that woman's throat, had watched the water bubble as the fighting got weaker and weaker against her. But she hadn't killed Abby.

None of it had fixed anything, she still felt like shit every time her thoughts wandered to him and the time they had spent together. It still felt like he was gone, like it had just been random bad luck.

No such thing as luck.

Everything happens for a reason.

When had she bought into those words?

Why hadn't she asked him what the fuck to do when this happened?

Ellie stared at Maria for a long moment.

No one had any fucking answers.

"Well, this one should heal up on its own."

Ellie acknowledged that with a noise, pulling her shirt back down. "Thanks."

The older woman flashed her a warm smile as she rose, looking around the space. It suddenly felt a little shameful that there wasn't anything on the walls. "So, I talked to Jeremiah today."

She knew the name, had seen him a few times, even though they had been in different patrol shifts. She knew he had taken over for Jesse in leading the patrols, and she squinted her eyes at Maria, wondering what she was getting at.

"He had a run in with a pack over at the strip mall today, barely made it out without getting infected."

"Yeah, that place sucks."

"It rattled him. He's gonna be switching to wall duty, and I.." Maria sighed, looking at her with a discerning expression. "I want to offer you the job, if you're set on being back on patrol." There was a moment of pause before the woman spoke again, gesturing at her. "Once you've healed from this."

Ellie breathed out slowly, gathering her thoughts before she replied. "I'm not really.. Good with other people."

"That's one way to put it." Maria chuckled as she folded her arms and looked down at Ellie. "Look, you could use some work, no one is gonna say different. But with Tommy and.. You've got the skills we need."

She tried not to notice that pause, the void that was still so clearly in the community.

"More importantly, a lot of our people haven't had nearly as much experience with the kinds of people outside these walls."

It was her turn to scoff and shake her head as she stood up. "I'm good at killing them, you mean."

"No." Maria spoke sternly, that tone that demanded attention. "You're good at reading them. I told everyone to give these folks from Seattle a chance, and we lost good people today because of that. We lost Joel-" There was a pained emphasis on the name, and it took the breath from Ellie's lungs to hear it. "-because we let our guard down."

"It's easy for people like me and Tommy to do that. We remember how people were, before this." The older woman sighed and looked away, finally letting her relax the tension she hadn't realized she was holding. "For better or worse, you don't have that blind spot."

She flexed the fingers on her left hand. The stitched gash pulled painfully, but the fingers that weren't there hurt more. "Can I think about it?"

Maria nodded, smiling sadly at her. "Of course. I only want you to do this if it's something you want."

A couple of years ago, she would have jumped for the chance to lead the patrols alongside Jesse.

Ellie moved toward the door with Maria, opening it for the other woman. "Thanks, Maria. I'll.. Think about it."

"Let me know what you decide."

"Wait." Silence hinged on the end of her word as she stared at Maria, who turned around with a raised eyebrow and a curious expression. Ellie bounced the door against the toe of her shoe lightly as she considered whether or not to ask her question before she sighed and took the plunge. "Did you know, too?"

For a moment, it looked as though Maria would ask what she was talking about, but then the older woman's expression fell. "Yeah, I knew. But it was after."

That made sense.

"Oh."

A hand touched on the door, preventing her from closing it and running from the conversation, everything that her thoughts were screaming at her to do now. "I get why he did it, I do." Maria let out a long breath, looking out into the night before settling her eyes back on Ellie. "Anyone ever tries to hurt you, I'd kill 'em. You're family, Ellie."

It was a bit of warmth that filled her with those words, and she managed a brief smile. "Goodnight, Maria."

"'Night."

* * *

After changing into a fresh t-shirt and stepping out into the warm night, Ellie quickly made her way to June and Robin's. She knocked on the door three times before leaning against the doorframe and blowing air through pursed lips as the heat of the day was very much still here even with the night. It was dry and stifling outside, and likely would be for several days to come.

The door opened slowly, revealing the dark interior and the screen still closed as Robin reached out of view to flick on the porch light, a wide smile reaching the man's lips at the sight of her. "Ellie, good to see you're alright."

"Hey, Robin. Thanks." She nervously shifted her weight as she met his gaze for a half second. "Just wanted to come by to see JJ, and check on Dina."

"Of course, I'll go get them." Robin turned before looking back over his shoulder to where she was awkwardly standing. "You wanna come in?"

"Oh, yeah, thanks." She pulled open the screen door and stepped inside, immediately letting out a sigh of relief as the air conditioning washed over her sticky and sweat streaked skin. Most of the rooms inside were already dark and it looked like the entire household was starting to wind down for bed.

Robin disappeared around the corner, and Ellie busied herself with turning to look over the pictures present in the small room. There were a few big chairs in here, and small round tables with dozens of different pictures atop them. Robin. June. June with Robin, smiling happily at one another. Them with Jesse, his arms around both of their shoulders and that charming grin on his face. One of her with Jesse and Dina, all of them laughing as they sat on and against a log in front of a bonfire.

Ellie stared at the guitar next to her, her thoughts casting back to that music shop in Seattle.

"That was a good night."

The voice pulled her from her thoughts as she whirled back to find Dina, who looked to be freshly showered and in cleaner clothes than any Ellie currently owned. She was holding JJ against her hip, and the little man's face brightened up at the sight of Ellie into a wonderfully bright smile.

She returned it with one of her own, stepping forward to rest her hand on his shoulder as he babbled excitedly at her. "Hey potato, being good for mom?" Ellie smirked. "Yeah buddy."

Her eyes slid from their boy to Dina, and she was struck again with how beautiful the girl looked, lit as she was by the light out on the porch. "It was a good night."

Dina's eyes watched her carefully, her expression guarded as she tilted her head. "You okay, Ellie?"

"Yeah. Maria helped me get this sorted out." She raised her freshly stitched arm, earning a wince from the other girl. "I just wanted to check on you. You seemed, I dunno, different after what went down out there."

"Oh." Dina moved a bit closer to her, offering JJ with a small noise. Ellie eagerly took him, holding him close as she made a face at him and earned a giggle, his pudgy hands grasping on the fabric of her t-shirt. "It just was a lot. Especially because it happened there."

It clicked for her then, the weirdness after they had dispatched the Scars. It had been home.

It had been safe.

But Dina continued after a long moment of looking at her holding their son. "It was probably for the best we weren't still there."

That caused a deep pang of hurt to blossom in Ellie's chest as she looked up at the other girl, frowning. "I'm sorry." She almost reached out, but she settled for flexing her fingers, feeling that new and familiar ache in the stubs on her left hand. The air was heavy, too heavy, and it felt like every passing second was another bit shoved into the distance between them. She bounced JJ in her right arm, and smirked as she tried her best to break down that wall she could see building. "I mean, I really should have fixed those stairs."

The effect she had desired was immediate as it drew a giggle from Dina, a small little laugh following by a pained groan as a hand found its way to the girl's forehead. "You're such an ass."

Letting out a small chuckle of her own, Ellie nodded as the boy she was holding laughed along with them. "I know."

Beautiful dark brown eyes met hers, really met hers for the first time since she had been back, as their shared bit of humor died down in the quiet of the house. Dina pushed her hand back through the curls of black hair and just shook her head as Ellie let her smile linger.

It almost felt like it used to.

A frown found her lips.

Desperation found her heart.

Was this how he felt for years?

"I really wanna fix this."

Dina stared back at her, expression once again becoming that unreadable mask that left her thoughts spiraling for a long, long moment of there being no noise but the insects chirping outside and JJ's oddly timed babbles as he picked at her shirt. "I don't know if you can, El."

Now the tears she had felt burning all day came, just a few at the corners of her eyes, as she nodded and maneuvered to hand JJ back over to his other mom as he looked at her a smiled as he said 'mama' in a slow and sleepy way.

Dina took him easily, the natural way they moved with him still there after their time on the farm. She looked at him with a small smile before her eyes slid back over to Ellie. Her expression didn't drop this time, and that smile remained. It just grew a bit more sad. "But I want you to keep trying."

The weight and pressure that had been building in her chest suddenly found some relief as she let out a shaky breath and nodded solemnly. "I-I will."

Ellie moved to take a step back, to pull away with what she considered the best outcome for this conversation, before she could fuck something up again. But a hand stopped her, reaching up to gently cradle her cheek. A calloused thumb rubbed against her skin, wiping a tear off the freckles and the light sunburn there.

She didn't dare breathe as Dina moved in to press a light kiss against that same cheek, only letting it out after the other girl had settled back to standing in front of her. "Thank you, for saving me today."

Ellie let out a small, very shaky laugh as she shook her head, glancing down before looking back up at Dina. "Back at'cha."

It felt like old times, it felt familiar to speak so casually with her.

It almost felt like it used to, but it didn't leave her sad this time.

Hope, for the first time in a long time.

"Anyway, I'm.. Gonna go crash." She fiddled with her two remaining fingers on her left hand with her right for a moment before taking a step forward and leaning in to kiss the top of JJ's head. "Goodnight, potato."

With another breath to steady herself, she looked back and pushed open the screen door, holding it as she glanced towards Dina one last time. "'Night, Dina."

A smile on the girl's lips as she held their son. "Goodnight, Ellie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, been over a month. Sorry about that! Hope everyone is staying safe and sane in these times. Thanks for reading, and hopefully I'll have the next chapter out faster! 'Til next time! -Fox
> 
> Go check out MikanRopp on Twitter, they did a wonderful piece of art for Chapter 2 of this fic and shared it with me. First time that's happened for me, so I was really just blown away by it! Thanks again MikanRopp, seriously was really cool of you! <3
> 
> Link here for that: twitter.com/MikanRopp/status/1298063958830493696


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